Friday, April 14, 2006

travelling fnarr and wide

My brother drives a model of Chrysler called the PT Cruiser. He refers to it as simply 'The Cruiser' which amuses me no end. I amuse myself further - and make him somewhat bored - by referring to it using terms such as The Fluffer or The Felcher.

This week I'm at his house, and I've realised this double-entendre thing was not of his doing. It is the inevitable consequence of living, as he does, in Formby.

It seems to the untrained eye to be a sedate middle class dormitory town. However, I have no doubt it lies on one of the greatest convergences of double-entendre leylines on this earth.

I go to check out compost bins at Formby Hardware. The brand of bins they stock - which I've never seen before and are all made from plastic - is Rubbermaid.

Nextdoor is a butcher's with a big sign in blazing orange capitals, SPITROAST CHICKENS.

Is that the title of a porn movie featuring reluctant participants in spitroasting?

Or is it, as the fiery block lettering implies, a command to bestiality?

Reeling, I look across the road to see an, ahem, 'leather goods' shop called, yikes, Backhouse.

A sign in its window tells me it's advertised in the local freebie paper, 'The Formby Trader'.

Which is either the name of a champion cottager, or else an Albert Goldman dirt-dishing biography of George Formby's rentboy early days.

I try to escape this place via the internet. Come on my old faithful, tell me of places where I'm not overwhelmed with smut.

So I go and find Jim Bliss, and he's talking of going to Stillorgan.

I wonder if that's twinned with Cockshutt?


Anonymous said...

My local carpet shop has a huge sign outside that says 'We've got piles!'


scarletharlot69 said...

Perhaps this is a relatively phenomon or was Formby also double entendre town when u where a lad Merrick?

There might have been an Oxfam shop in Ormskirk when I lived in the vicinity. If so nothing more. These days every other shop is a charity shop, more per head than any other town in the world.... :)


Anonymous said...

I thought Formby was a double entendre for a town...

RA said...

Today i had to make a call at work to a man who was the site manager for some building company or other. He in turn had to re-direct my enquiries to another gentleman.

"Ok" is ay, "who do I need to speak to?"

"I'll give you his number.. hang on.. its 07749..etc..."

"Right, but what's this fell's name?"

"I'll spell it out for you.. I'm not saying it"

"What? can't you just tell me? I'm not bothered about the spelling"

"It's spelt P-O-O-C-O-C-K"



"I'm sorry to be so un-professioanl, but that's a fucking great name"

" Yeah, I know.. just don't let him know that you think it's funny, he's a bit touchy about it"


As an asside... My dad had this mate years ago called David Dick. Whaen he was getting married his wife-t0-be mad him change it to David Ritchie. Afer she left him (due to his infidelity with our next door neighbour Celia.. {whi is a whole story in herself!} ) he changed it back to Dick.

I'll tell you about Celia and the vicar another time..


Anonymous said...

My dad used to work with a guy called Richard Shi'ite. He was referred to as "Richard the Turd".

merrick said...

RA, there was a lad in my year at school called Boocock.

When we had a history lesson explaining the origin of surnames we were told that, for example, the surname Cooper means there was a barrel maker back along the line somewhere.

I suggested Boocock's ancestors were flashers. Everyone, even the teacher, found it funny. Except Boocock of course.

rhythmicginger said...


There was a kid at my school called Steven Pidcock. Poor fella had his name used by the boys as a name for the perineum. "The Pidcock". Hmm, still has a ring to it. Still used among old boys I believe.

Also, there was a poultry farmer called A. Rowbottom in my area. Pronounced 'rawbottom'. Ironic, considering his profession.
(And his "Anal Rampage" video series).

And...My German teacher was one Richard William Anderson. Dick Willie to his pupils. Dick Willie to everyone, he didn't have any pupils (in his eyes).

Plus...My French teacher was called Arthur Fucktunnel-Cramjacksie.

Or was he?