how many celebrities are famous?

Ages back I talked about slimy fucker Debi Jones (shopping channel presenter and the Conservatives prospective parliamentary candidate for Sefton Central), and marvelled at the way her website is titled 'Debi Jones TV Presenter Celebrity Official Website'; she self-defines as a celebrity.

There's something so smug about someone doing that, and also something bizarre in wanting to be recognised not for what made you famous but merely for the fact of being famous. It suggests that all forms of celebrity are somehow equal, that Martine McCutcheon and Douglas Hurd are in the same sort of role.

A solitary person self-defining as celebrity is one thing. It's altogether different to have an organisation called - I shit you not - The Celebrities Guild of Great Britain.

You just know Ernie Wise initiated the whole thing, don't you?

It was set up in 1977 and raises funds for people with disabilities. Their tagline, on every page of the website, is 'helping the handicapped'. They don't seem to have updated that since 1977 either. Why not have 'Patting the Cripples' instead?

My favourite bit of the site is the Gallery. Ten pictures and even with those and the names I can only recognise five. Some are too easy - a newsreader is sort of cheating, we've all seen them thousands of times even though they've never done anything themselves and we can't say anything about them as people. Frank Carson's kind of cheating as well, not being from Great Britain himself. Still, they make up for it with Bob Holness, the man who blew the mighty sax on Baker Street. Probably.

Weirdly, it wasn't actually Ernie Wise but someone called Ella Glazer who set the guild up. Surely to set up a celebrities guild you'd need to be, I dunno, a celebrity? Try finding out what she's done apart from the Guild. There's an IMDB page for someone of that name. Its single entry is a 'thanks' credit in a movie.

Then again, the standard of celebrity doesn't seem to be that high. Today sees them doing a celebrity golf tournament. Among superstars like Bobby Davro and Lance Percival are some bafflingly obscure names, and some vague bell-ringers. Like Jill Dando before she was killed, you might know the name but you can't picture them.

Using only your existing knowledge and without recourse to Google, how many of these celebrity golfers can you not only recognise the name but say what they're famous for and clearly put a face to in your mind?

Clive Allen,
Luther Blissett,
Ian Botham,
Martin Bicknell,
Tony Cottee,
Bob Champion,
Phil Daniels,
Bobby Davro,
Graham Dene,
Mike Denness,
John Embury,
Derek Fowlds,
Theo Foley,
Trevor Harris,
Stewart Houston,
Roy Holder,
Cliff Jones,
Derek Martin,
Frank McLintock,
Nicholas Parsons,
Lance Percival,
Robert Powell,
Ian Rush,
Steve Rider,
Alan Smith,
Willie Thorne,
Claire Tomlinson,
Jimmy White,
Rory Underwood,
Roger Uttley,
Ray Wilkins,
John Virgo.

I score only seven out of 32.