avast behind

Yaharr ye scurvy-pups,

I meant to be a-warnin' ye of International Talk Like A Pirate Day afore now, but I been a-rovin' round other shores. Appropriately enough, this day be findin' me a wanderin' around Robin Hood's Bay, a tiny village with more than its share of smugglin' history. A couple of centuries back and the rummest brigands that e'er set sail could be found haulin' their booty ashore in them there parts.

The village be a piece of wild North Yorkshire coast, enthrallin' whate'er the weather, and today I be spendin' all the mornin' amongst the kelp beds revealed by low tide. Be it just me, or does 'bladder wrack' sound like an evil torture instrument?

'As a measure of last resort, The Spanish Inquisition would put the most stubborn of the accused on the bladder rack, which rapidly and invariably brought either confession or death'.

But me excuses be nought and none for keepin' all quiet on this most fine of occasions. I be throwin' meself to a keelhaulin' worthy of a government inspector if I not be givin' ITLAPD some mention to ye Badgerers.

If ye be a-wantin' more detail, there be several good fine websites to help ye. O'er thar across the Atlantic ye be findin' the accurately but somewhat unimaginatively domained www.talklikeapirate.com. The UK counterpart be the altogether funnier-named www.yarr.org.uk

Of course, if ye be a lily-livered landlubber who not be hearin' of ITLAPD till just now, all be not lost. The day be all but o'er for another year, but be not puttin' yerself to a-worryin' if ye be missin' out. Be as jolly as a roger, for ye now be findin' yerself with the longest of run-ups for next year's ITLAPD, which gives ye the maximum chance of developin' a good pirate voice that holds its accent as steady as a full-rigged schooner cross a mirror-flat sea, as opposed to me own goodly attempt, which veers wildly like a rum cask tossed o'erboard in a foul diabolical gale, seemin' to be comin' from Delhi one moment and an extra out of The Archers the next.

Yarrr, oo-arr!

And ye also be chanced to be a-workin' up a ripe combinin' of the sexually suggestive possibilities of pirate talk; 'blow the man down', 'a salty dog', 'treasure chest', 'a vast behind', 'poop deck'. I be thinkin' that be most apt.

Yarrr, oo-er!