Friday, November 20, 2009

number ones

Danny Chivers' recent post on A Daisy Through Concrete says

It's getting so you can't type "ranting performance poetry video climate change bespectacled freak" into a search engine without my leering face popping up in front of your startled eyes.

The delicious irony is that, like a serpent eating its own tail or the first chicken coming from its own egg, he's self-fulfilled. If you type "ranting performance poetry video climate change bespectacled freak" into Google it comes up with one result - Danny's post.

A while ago commenters on a post over at Five Chinese Crackers mentioned being number one in Google for "pubs in leeds belgian beer", "Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks grapple fake hookers" and 5CC's own "Paul Dacre's robot arm".

It's something I've brought up in conversation with a couple of bloggers since, and I think it's time to start a meme.

Give me five great things that your blog or websites rank number one in Google searches, then tag five other blogs. Bonus points if you manage to have any sexual content in the phrase, as it's fairly easy to be top of the heap for 'post-marxist dialectics in contemporary radical discourse' than it is for summat like 'fisting shaven catholic teens'.

Bristling Badger's number one for:

"An old man wanking into a sock"
"Caviar enemas"
"Fuck you liberal democrats"
"Baboon in a bucket"

and - a matter of considerable personal pride - I also get number one for Strawberry Switchblade.

What about you;

A Daisy Through Concrete
Chicken Yoghurt
The Quiet Road
Alice In Blogland


Paul said...

Give this man a poke in the eye with a shitty stick from me please. - and it's about Noel Edmonds.

the dull routine of vanilla missionary intercourse. - Yay! A sexual one! 2 extra brownie points!

"a snake wearing lipstick." in inverted commas. - what surprised me was that I wasn't the only person to have typed those particular words.

It's like some stone stegasaurus is incubating a brood of dragons. - partly because I spelt stegosaurus wrong.

Paul said...


Piers Morgan said his mother named him due to her love of piers in particular Llandundo Pier

merrick said...

Five mighty impressive entries there Paul. The piers one's done something quite remarkable, it's made me look forward to seeing the twat on telly so I can chuckle at his mum's predilection for seaside piers. Thankyou.

Unknown said...

I'll have to employ you as SEO consultant to our clients who complain about not being number one - it might not be fore the phrase they want but...

Danny said...

Ahhhh the time-wasting joy! Thanks Merrick.

Here are five of my number ones, which I believe reflect my spectrum of writing topics fairly well:

"sex kills more people than terrorism"
"Pink and purple sparkly cowboy hats"
"Zombie-freezing technology"
"sprayed with Kelvin Mackenzie's bile"
"police premature ejection"

Though I'd like to also give honourable mentions to:

"The people vs. climate chaos"


"a boat carved out of a giant carrot"

This particular phrase returns 101 exact matches, all of them referring to me. Which I think, according to the rules of the internet, means that I now have to get it carved on my headstone.

merrick said...

Good work there, Danny. Two clearly sexual, with two more having a bit of a saucy frisson to them too.

Dreamflesh has done his one, which includes the magnificent 'microsoft office swastika' and - be glad about your epitaph, consider what it'd be like havnig this on your headstone - 'strap-on transexual freud devil'.

merrick said...

And Alice In Blogland's response is live!

Jim Bliss said...

I answered the call...