Thursday, February 17, 2005

ceci n'est pas un blog post

A few days ago I had my heart wrung through a mangle by a lover dumping me.

A real old-school dumping, straight out of the blue, definite and non-negotiable. None of that adult inklings of something wrong, no mutual agreement that it's really not working, just me ringing up to finalise details for a long-planned date and being told we, ahem, 'needed to talk'.

Talk we did. After that, drink I did. Then dig out several emotionally harrowing records I've not played in years I did also, soundtracking days of moping and phoning up beloved friends to whinge.

And, this being me and now, a blog post was written about what happened and what can be learned. I've ummed and ahhed over whether to publish it.

Part of me thinks, as one friend advised, that it's my true feelings and there's relevant and under-expressed opinions in there, so go ahead.

Another part of me sees the truth in the advice from another friend who once purged herself by writing to her newly ex-lover and saying what she felt. Made everything clear, at the time. And in the long run, for rather obvious reasons, it was a very very bad idea.

As I'm still too close in to the implosion of the affair I don't trust my judgement enough to publish as yet. Whilst there's a lot of truth in the adage that it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't, there's a flip side for things like this where the wisdom of the thing in question is unclear but is likely to become clear before too long. It says hang on and see.

If you don't do something that's a bad idea you will enjoy being proved right and be very relieved that you didn't intensify awfulness by doing that obviously stupid thing. If it does, however, turn out to be a good idea then you can go and do it later.

So, I'll just shuffle off for now and do some writing about something, rather than writing about not writing.


UPDATE: I decided to publish it here.


transblue said...

I'm so sorry sweetie, that sucks. If you need to talk you know where we are - thinking of you.



merrick said...

Hi Kirsty, thanks for the thoughts and offer of fussing, very much appreciated. Coming through it OK, but still somewhat bruised.

Still livid about C's comment that it doesn't matter how I feel cos I see other people. I despise that commodified view of love.

There's a really common thing in monogamy-world that if someone leaves a lover for someone else, they are (rightly or wrongly) vilified for it. Yet if they leave someone non-monogamous for monogamy, it's the sensible and reasonable option. Monogamy is some kind of trump card.

The presumption is that monogamy is serious and deep and real, but non-monogamous relationships are by comparison something selfish, superficial and readily expendable.

Yet to run away from a lover for doing something you don't like and look for an upgrade rather than stick around to see if it can be surmounted is *way* more selfish.

Living outside of monogamy has made me stay emotionally involved with people long after the monogamy rules would've made me leave. It's all about responding to the true calling of the heart, about not jettisoning the good stuff just cos it comes with some bad. It calls on feelings far deeper and demands far more consideration and compassion than the coercive and gladiatorial attitudes commonly found in monogamy.

As I said, I think C was probably just trying to find things to say to make her friend not feel so bad for dumping me, but as such things go it's tremendously callous and mean-hearted.

scarletharlot69 said...

hi Merrick

my empathy and solidarity for what it's worth. Be in touch by whatever medium you wish

Bluebell E.

transblue said...

"Still livid about C's comment that it doesn't matter how I feel cos I see other people. I despise that commodified view of love."

Yep, that is totally trash and so untrue. We may be tarts but if you cut us do we not bleed?

It drives me nuts the way poly people are held to different standards than monogamous people. if a poly relationship breaks up people so often assume that it's because poly relationships are inherently unstable - even if that relationship has lasted longer than many monogamous relationships.

We still get people trashing our relationship despite the fact that Cat and I have been together for 10 years and all three of us have been together for 8. Yet whenever we hit bumps in the road, as any relationship invariably does, outsiders immediately identify the poly thing as being the cause, even when it's got bugger all to do with it. We can be arguing about the housework and people will assume that there's some underlying sexual jealousy thing going on, not that someone is annoyed about the dishes being left in the sink!

The other thing we've noticed is that people think they're cool with it and then they say something and you realise that really they're not cool with it at all. It makes me crazy.

Have you read the book The Ethical Slut? It has a lot of great stuff about negotiating non-monogamy.