Monday, January 31, 2005

find no porn on the internet

The internet is, as we are all somehow aware of without checking, full of porn. Not just a little porn but fuckloads of it. And not just standard porn, but really weird shit like would never have occurred to you if it wasn't for someone from Iowa with a digital camera on a tripod in their spare room.

So, presuming there is all that specialist stuff out there, just how weird does it get?

As an experiment that varies the format of Googlewhacking, try putting double quotes round any noun you can think of followed by the word porn, give it to Google and see what you're given in return.

There seems to be no noun left unporned.

There is, as perusers of the Bristling Badger daft quicklinks already know, a shudder-inducing clown porn site.

Brilliantly, "furniture porn" brings up a hilarious site called furnitureporn.com that does exactly what it says on the tin. The whole site's a corker, but the furniture porn movie is especially funny.

"Penguin porn" has 829 results.

"Mussolini porn" gives 1,460

"Sand porn" gives 9,840.

"Avocado porn" brings up 10 results.

"Bacteria porn", 429.

Even "cornflake porn" has a result.

This could be a new form of top trumps, see who can guess the porn with least results. Or maybe, as a dispute settling decision maker like paper-scissors-stone, people could use 'who can guess the noun with the least results', or 'who can most accurately guess the number of results for a given noun'.

(Incidentally, "paper porn" gives 151 results, "scissors porn" 231 and "stone porn" a mighty 4,510)

8 comments:

transblue said...

Ah yes, I still remember my horror at finding out that the words 'breast cancer' came up in the lists of headers on porn sites.

Apparently anorexia porn also exists - why am I not surprised.

However, I shall attempt to discover some funny ones in the near future.

Anonymous said...

Although 'Food Porn' doesn't mean what you think it does, unless you're a Foodie - short form, its not 'food mixed with sex,' its the completion of the analogy 'food porn is to food as porn is to sex.'

Anonymous said...

blu-tack porn is a no-resulter....

RA

transblue said...

"jam porn" - 1,060

"jammy toast porn" - 0

"slipper porn" - 513

(Top result - "cosy bedroom-slipper porn; jacking off to Vera Lynn")

"starfish porn" - 152

"seaweed porn" - 2

"potato porn" - 330

"turnip porn" - 10

Ah, I could go on all night but I'm going to have some jam and toast (sans porn) instead.

merrick said...

Ah, RA, the most lecherous man alive. If anyone could think up a no-resulter, it's you.

Transblue, what an excellent list! It shows the ways our minds work, a sort of free-associative thing. I think of Mussolini, you think of jammy toast. Does 'jammy toast porn' count? Not strictly adhering to the one-word noun rule ( blu-tack arguably doesn't either). Still, I'm sure jammy toast porn would end up adhering to other things readily. Be a bugger to wash out, I'd have thought.

Jim Bliss said...

Disappointed to note that there's no petrogeology porn out there. I was hoping for some close ups of dirty shale and salt caps.

Anonymous said...

aha..sideboard porn is a 0..
starngely mingeporn has only 132 results..

merrick said...

You're right, no sideboard porn, although there are 2 results for sideburns porn.